March is colorectal cancer awareness month.  Colorectal Cancer kills more people than aids and breast cancer combined.  Yet this is easily prevented if more people knew when to get colonoscopies.  Please donate money this month to the Colon Cancer Alliance so we can get the word out.

I used to blog a lot.  You can check it and see.  Now not so much.  Why?

First for reasons I’ll get into later, I haven’t been to church much.  The Gospel is pretty much the engine that drives my life.  The local church is a little weak in that area.

Chef has been very busy.  You might recall her brother blew out both kidneys (kids don’t try this at home).  For  while she was flying out to help with him.  Then she blew out her ankle.  It’s still bothering her when she runs her routes, especially going in and out of her cuts.  So I’ve been picking up the slack.  Although she’s much much better now.

The eldest princess has decided to do everything school has to offer.  She’s cheerleading (anyone who knows me can feel the irony), playing basketball, helping in the library and the school store (with Chef) and hoping to join the Future Business Leaders of America.  Oh yeah she also has to keep up her grades and do the Social Studies fair.  All while talking on the phone.  She is rivalling my Uncle Jim who joined everything in town.  He was a Mason, a Knight of Columbus and a member in good standing of the Methodist Church.

The youngest princess is less active but still busy.  She likes riding the bus but not going to school.  She is joining the after school art club.  However she is devoting most of her considerable intelligence, focus and creativity to finding new ways to skip school. 

Ranger just barks and goes for walks.

Me, I’m just trying to keep up.

So I’m walking Ranger tonight when I see a couple ahead of me.  He has 5 dogs and she has 2 or 3 more.  I slow down, because who wants that many dogs pulling at the same time.  Ranger and I finally get the chance to pass on the opposite side while they are well into a yard on the other side of the street.  You’d think that would be ok.  But no…

All of a sudden I hear, from behind me, “Dawson NO!”.  Dawson, the german shepherd, has slipped his leash and is attacking us.  I get several good kicks into Dawson’s ribs, each time pushing him back several feet.  At the same time, Dawson’s owner is standing there saying Dawson’s name over and over and swearing at me.  After biting Ranger’s stomach and receiving a really good kick to the testicular area, Dawson had enough and left off the attack. 

Then Dawson’s owner really started swearing at me.  Somehow it’s my fault that he was walking a vicious dog and couldn’t control it.  Seriously.

The happy ending is that I’m unhurt and Ranger only has a minor scratch.  Hopefully Dawson will be feeling this for days to come.

I often think I am the luckiest man alive.  What happens though when the person who makes me the luckiest man alive is off duty?  I’ll tell you.

Chef is off in Buckeye City at the Lance Armstrong Festival or some such.  That leaves me at home with the 2 princesses.  Not so bad, yet.

One reason I’m lucky is that Chef loves to cook. When she is out of town I have to cook.  (The youngest princess can cook some, but I don’t trust her around fire.)  I hate to cook.  Tonight I had to cook.

I get the grill going about an hour late.  Then I notice that the grill top is rusty.  I phone Chef who has a solution.  I go back out to check on the fire and hear screaming.  I almost hurt myself rushing back in the house.  The dog has seized one of the steaks and is running around the living room with it.  Then it starts to rain. 

“The only thing we have to eat is food itself.”

“We shall fight them on the beaches and in the Swamp and at Jordan Hare.  We will never give in.”

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what your country can do for me.”

We were bored last week and started thinking about colors.  This led to paint color names.  (Both princesses like to collect paint chips.)  Then we thought about bad paint color names.  Here’s some.

Sparkle Tangerine

Moldy Lilac

Crusted Gunk

Raw Mermaid

Day Old Blood

Booger

Frosted Toad Stool

and my favorite

Toasted Leprechaun

Chef and the young princesses are vacationing in Florida, leaving me and Ranger at home.  Every night I cook a hamburger and have a spinach salad.  (If you know me you know what a tremendous accomplishment that is.)  After dinner, Ranger licks the hamburger plate and the salad dressing spoon.  He loves it but it gives him unusually smelly gas.  Anyway…

Tonight I successfully grilled some carrots to go with my dinner.  (Yea me!)  I also didn’t give Ranger his plate and spoon, due to the gas problems.  Then I started to choke on a carrot.  Well, not choke, but hack and cough loudly.  (I know too much info.)

Ranger gave me a look that clearly said “Give me the plate and I’ll call 911.”  Is he a good dog for knowing where the portable phone is ( I can’t find it most days) let alone knowing what 911 is?  Or is he a bad dog for the extortion?

This past Monday I was sitting at a red light in my work van.  All of a sudden I heard a loud crunching sound.  I thought ” that’s not good”.  Then I realized I was rolling into the intersection.  Someone had rear ended me.

Once I stopped the van, I realized my vision was blurry.  It took a few seconds to realize that my glasses had been knocked off my head by the impact.  I found them on the dashboard after some searching.

I got out and made sure no one was hurt.  My knees hurt but otherwise I was ok.

A policeman approached me and said he witnessed the whole thing.  So that was good.

Wednesday I was leaving to take Ranger for his nightly walk.  As I was locking the door, he started to pull.  Really hard.  Before I knew it Ranger was dragging me down the front steps.  I tried to stop him and see what he was after.  I failed at both.  Fortunately I let go before I did a face plant on the sidewalk.

I took off after him as fast as I could limp.  He was after a cat.  Once the cat had escaped he came back to his senses.

Thursday I went to the doctor because my knee was sore in a different place.  I told chef I was sure he would think I had a drinking problem due to my frequent injuries by unusual causes.  He never mentioned it.  After playing “does this hurt?  YES” and a few x rays, we determined nothing major was hurt.  So that’s good.

This is my problem with karma did I do something bad for the bad things to happen or good for the good endings?  If so why didn’t they just cancel themselves out?

A company Chef knows of recently pulled off an amazing trifecta.  They fired staff during on a conference call.  On a Monday.  And expect them to work until the end of July.  

Can you imagine the phone call.  “Good.  Everybody’s here then.  You’re all fired.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, July 31.”

I had one of the best Father’s Day ever had.  I certainly got one of the best presents, a divided tray so my food wouldn’t mingle.

Here’s the accompanying poem, by the eldest princess.

You taught me all my shapes.

You showed me how to use tape.

You gave me a good sense of humor

(even though you had a tumor).

You showed me the color orange

(did you know that it rhymes with doorhinge?)

You taught me what to say,

sooo  Happy Father’s Day